I’ve given a lot of thought to parenting recently. I’ve been spending a lot of time with the boys and later evaluating the interactions that have occurred. I’ve tried to develop the principle of Dependent Independence within my sons. I want them to make decisions and take action without too much prompting. In the earlier days of my parenting career this often created exasperation in my sons, especially the older two as I sometimes pushed them to do things they were unprepared for. When they didn’t succeed, or complete it to my standard, I rushed in and “fixed” the issue with a “get out of the way” mentality, or fussed/scolded/huffed/puffed or whatever came to mind.
Example: Help unload groceries. Mom has come home with her bounty from Harris Teeter. “Boys, let’s get the groceries.” They need to learn to help, right? My sons love to help, but inevitably bread would get crushed or apples would be dropped, or the door would not be held open for the guy with his hands full, or they would dump their load in the entryway without taking them to the kitchen, or they would carry one item at a time lengthening the time needed to finish. Fill in the blank for varying things that would not be “perfect.” To my shame, I often reacted negatively, forgetting these are little boys. Don’t they know what to do? We’ve done this 100 times. I wanted to be able to give one quick order, “Help unload the groceries,” and have simple results. That would be independence.
It finally dawned on me that they need some dependence; translated structure/leadership. What has become successful is when I walk with them and break down the chore. I hand them appropriate groceries that won’t be crushed or can’t break if dropped. I set out reasonable challenges, “Let’s see if you can lift that,” just to see them carry one or two extra boxes of something. I remind them to hold doors, not to rush, ask their mom where items are to be set.
It took very few times of making them dependent upon my presence and direction before they were fully trained to handle the job of unloading groceries to my satisfaction. After our recent vacation, my 8, 6 and 3 year old helped me unload an SUV full of stuff in less than 10 minutes with no whining or frustration. It was a beautiful thing. They learned to help Dad. I learned to not to be frustrated. Win Win!
What are some ways you have applied this principle in your own family? What are some ways you could ramp up your child’s independence and expectations?
